Saturday, January 17th 2015 (Paris)
♦For every person you heal, the Earth lightens♦
Life on Earth is not so easy. While I know I am here to help heal the world, bring about/be apart of the changes needed to turn around our path to destruction and instead point us towards creating heaven on Earth without pain, sorrow, violence or greed…it’s so tempting to just give up. I am learning how to manage obstacles along the way, accept change and trust my soul and the universe. On one hand, it has felt like a long arduous time here and at the same time, it feels like I’ve just arrived. Looking back at my first few days moving to Paris, living in a hotel with my cat Mortimor, realizing I didn’t have an electric converter for my laptop, no cell phone, no place to stay beyond a few nights, barely understanding the language- it’s amazing I survived long enough to be writing this! Now, I’m a map pro after learning how to navigate without a cell phone/GPS which came in handy in London as I quickly spotted maps posted around the city to guide us. It all fell into place. I went to many meet ups including kayaking in Bry-Sur-Marne, picnicking along the Seine, spending a weekend exploring Saint-Malo and Mont Saint-Michel, discovering and experiencing Reiki, and biking in Bois de Vincennes. I needed to be in Paris, a beautiful city with an abundance of intrusive energy that ripped open my soul and forced me to take a good look at myself.
It’s a struggle to keep my perspective in tact and see the beauty in everything and everyone because I have trouble seeing it in myself. It is critical that I make the decision to choose to love, accept, forgive and laugh at myself so that I can truly love others as well. I’ve been focusing on smiling more lately after seeing my reflection in my kindle- it looked scowling and angry. It’s incredible what an effort it is to smile when it’s not natural to you. I feel like a fool but I know it’s because I’m not used to it. I fear smiling and being happy while the world is hurting. I worry someone will try to take my happiness away. Smiling feels vulnerable and vulnerability is difficult. Always have the tough, strong, independent exterior, while I am quietly falling apart inside. I need to find a balance- be strong, independent, smart but also compassionate, silly, light, and easy-going.
Today I saw the movie “Wild” with a few friends. It’s about a young woman who goes hiking 1,100 miles on the Pacific Crest Trail to straighten out her life after turning to various addictions following her Mom’s premature death. The movie struck me obviously because of the similarity with what I am going through with my Mom’s terminal diagnosis. Her Mom was upbeat, sang all the time, and acted silly despite the apparent hardships and negative aspects of her life and this annoyed her daughter. It reminded me of how I will get annoyed or embarrassed as well by my Mom’s silliness or over the top behavior expressing her happiness. I realized from this movie that the reason for my annoyance is because I feel uncomfortable showing such vulnerability so it’s easier to avoid my own discomfort by disapproving of my Mom being vulnerable and sharing her true self. Or maybe it’s because we are wired to be embarrassed by our parents during our teen-aged years and I haven’t yet upgraded my brain to adult wiring.
I don’t know how much time I have left with my Mom. Despite my Mom’s rocky path in life and my perception of its effect on me, I know she is not perfect and I couldn’t have asked for a better Mom. I feel like I am picking up where she left off on her mission here. I don’t know how I will cope if my Mom dies. Will I drop everything and go hike my pain away? Fall into a dark depression? Turn to an addiction to numb everything? Pretend it’s not real and shut down? All I can focus on now is making the most of what time we have left, accepting her as she is, continue being a positive energy in her life as she has been (for the most part) in mine, and helping her to find peace so that she will not be afraid of her next journey.
«There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waitin’ on the other side
It’s the climb»
Miley Cyrus- The Climb