September 17, 2016 (Savannah, GA)
A whole year has gone by without you in my life. I’ve had you in my life for 27 years + 4 months. I feel lost without you around. Everything has lost its shine. I think of you constantly. When the wind blows, I can’t help but think of being back home where you kept the doors and windows open and I’d hear wind chimes, birds, and of course Laurelei barking. I miss you so much. I miss your weekly check-ins, I miss hearing about your latest craft project, I miss telling you about my adventures, like today. I want to call you and tell you about the gorgeous trees I saw while biking in Savannah and thank you for bringing us to the beach since we were babies. I am at the ocean now, my happy place, where I felt I should write you this. I know you had to leave, I know we all have a date our soul chooses to leave but I still hate that you no longer exist physically and I can’t see you, hug you, laugh with you, talk to you. I feel too young to have to do this, to go through the rest of my life without you. You are free from pain now but seeing you suffering and struggling my last week with you has broken my heart. I wish I could have saved you. I wish you were in no pain throughout your life. I wish you could’ve seen the world like you wanted to. Were you ready to go? Are you happy and at peace right now? While I believe you are, it would heal this pain if you could tell me for certain. You feel so far away. I’m grateful we had that heart-to-heart last May. I am lucky to have had a Mom like you. I know I haven’t always been easy to get along with and had trouble showing my love and appreciation for you. I wouldn’t be who I am today without you; resilient, flexible, creative, ambitious, kind. Everything I learned, I learned from watching you. It’s hard for me to feel happy while you are no longer here to experience life. It’s this guilt as though being happy means I don’t miss you anymore and that I’m not sad. I worry I will be heart broken forever like you were when Grandma died and you were in your 30s. I am terrified my memories of you will fade. I don’t know how I’m going to get through you being out of my life until I die. How can my mother just be a pile of ashes now? There’s no solution for the pain so I avoid it. I want to move forward and I know you’d want me to as well. I need to hear you tell me Everything Will Be Ok.
Forever in my heart,
Your Sammy Girl
Père Lachaise cemetery in Paris
Death is nothing, I’m only going into the next room. I am me, you are you. What I was for you, I am always. Give me the name, which you have always given me. Speak to me like you always did. Do not use a different tone, do not take a solemn or sad look. Keep laughing, what made us laugh together. May my name be pronounced at home, as it has always been, without emphasis of any kind, without a trace of shadow. Life means all that it has always been. The wire is not cut. Why should I be out of your thoughts, because I am out of your sight? I’m not far away … Just on the other side of the road.