Monday, May 2nd 2016
I never wanted to say goodbye to my Mom. It has hit me tonight that this will be my 1st birthday without the woman who gave me that day. One of many firsts that my Mom will not be a part of. The 1st birthday I won’t be receiving a call from her. This wonderful life I’ve created for myself suddenly feels empty. She’s not here to see me another year older nor see my brother turn 30. It all feels unbelievable. If only I could blow out the candles this year and bring her back. If only to see her radiant smile again, give her the biggest bear hug and never let go. How can I let go? If I let go, do I lose her? Our memories? Our love and bond? How do I experience joy and happiness for all milestones yet to come without the person I wish most to share them with? Holidays without her have been hard but my approaching birthday, followed by Mother’s Day, has got to be the most difficult so far. Is it always going to be so hard? Is it possible to feel joy without the tinge of grief, sorrow, and loss tainting every new and old memory alike?